- A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
- At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
- At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?
- At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
- At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
- At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
- At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
- At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
- At a Towing Company: We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
- At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
- At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
- At an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
- At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.
- At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
- Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
- Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet….Miss a car payment.
- Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
- Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
- English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.
- Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
- In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!
- In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
- In a cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
- In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
- In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
- In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
- In a dry cleaner’s emporium: Drop your pants here.
- In a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
- In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
- In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
- In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
- In a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor.
- In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
- In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
- In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
- In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
- In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center.
- In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
- In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
- In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
- In a Podiatrist’s window: Time wounds all heels.
- In a restaurant window: Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
- In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car.
- In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: 15 men’s wool suits – $100 – They won’t last an hour!
- In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
- In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
- In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
- In an office building washroom: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
- In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
- In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
- In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel – NO END
- In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.
- In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
- In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
- In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
- In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
- In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
- Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
- Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.
- Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
- Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
- On a butcher’s window: Let me meat your needs.
- On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
- On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
- On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
- On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
- On a local plumbing company’s trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
- On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
- On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
- On a Music Teacher’s door: Out Chopin.
- On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
- On a plumber’s truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
- On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.)
- On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.
- On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
- On a Scientist’s door: Gone Fission.
- On a taxidermist’s window: We really know our stuff.
- On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
- On an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts.
- On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
- On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card: If you cannot read this card…
- On another Butcher’s window: Pleased to meat you.
- On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.
- On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.
- On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission.
- On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish.
- On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. – Sisters of Mercy
- Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.
- Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
- Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.
- Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.
- Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.
- Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.
- Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.
- Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
- Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
- Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
- Sign at the psychic’s Hotline: Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
- This was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I go where I’m towed to.
- Trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t sleep with a drip call your plumber.
