- Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapeños — you never know what’s going to burn your ass.
- I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
- Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.
- I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
- My reality check bounced.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier!
- You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
- Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
- Be careful. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
- Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
- The more Sh*t you put up with, the more Sh*t you are going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
- Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
- I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
- I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!
- What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it!
- How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It’s the one with bite marks on the cap!
