- My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that.
- Keep honking while I reload.
- If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
- Bad Cop! No Donut!
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better
- I love cats … they taste just like chicken.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
- Sorry, I don’t date outside my species
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…
- Tow-ers will be violated.
- Montana – At least our cows are sane!
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
- It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
- Wink, I’ll do the rest!
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Diarrhea is inherited. It runs in your jeans!
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- My karma ran over my dogma.
- Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
- Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekasion.
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
- Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
